To the one that got away

I’m not sure why I’m writing you this letter when I know you’ll never actually read it but I guess I just want closure, you know? And I feel like this is it.

I miss you, that’s the first thing I need you to know. 

All those years, they mean everything to me and it cuts vein-deep to know we’ll never make more of them… they had to mean something to you too, right?

The time when I accidentally entered the wrong class on the first day of high school when we were in freshmen, which is actually the class you were in. You told me that you sat beside me on the very corner of that room. It’s funny how you still remember all that. How we first started talking in Algebra class on our second period when we were in sophomores. The smell of fresh cut grass in the air when you first hugged me just because you accidentally stepped on my foot. Or how I skipped class just to watch you play tennis during inter school. You were so good at sports and you’re one of my happy crushes in high school.

We were 14 when you caught my heart. We were each other’s firsts. We went to prom together, graduated high school, went to the same college and got the degree. We also had those unimaginable fights a couple could ever had. We were not perfect. But we both grew and matured into this relationship. We in fact grew more of becoming friends than lovers. I was so sure of you that I couldn’t even imagine myself loving someone else.

Everyone tells me that I should just forget you. But I just laugh it off because I know they wouldn’t understand how it truly felt… you don’t forget those things about a person, not when you love them to the point where it aches.

It is not easy to root out the weeds you planted in me; You’ve took pieces of me I didn’t even know I had and I have no fucking idea how to get them back. I know there is no point writing this and it is probably a waste of my time but if I keep this all to myself, it’ll burn into my lungs until I find the guts to think of it again. I’m not sure why it is we drifted but if there’s anything I wanted to tell you, that is, I’m sorry I wasn’t enough to keep you with me.

I’ve written and drawn so many things about you, so many sketches, doodles, poems and letters; you were like the life of art in me and it hurts to know that this will be the last time that I will ever write about you just to make sure the broken parts of me don’t make me fade the way you did. I am so tired of screaming at my bedroom walls, wailing and praying to heavens for you to come back.

I have good days and bad days when it comes to thinking of you – some days I smile and think of the way you’d come to school with your new ridiculous haircuts, other days I can’t help but cry in the shower so my family won’t know how broken you left me that night.

They say.. “Wait until they break your heart. Wait to see how they justify it. You’ll see what kind of person they are then.” But, as long as you are happy even if that happiness is not me anymore, I’d willingly accept it.

Life without you… it actually isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. That has to be a good sign, I know it. I’m getting by and I can actually go out and have fun every once in a while without thinking of your hands or how you’d walk in front of me with your legs looking like a suman in your black jeans because of your big calves. Hahaha!

I.. I just hope that she will love you more when you less deserve it because I know that’s when you needed it the most. I hope she will hold your hand when traveling far because I know you hate the feeling when your stomachs churn when there’s a sudden turbulence. I hope she can make you calm with your love-hate relationship with spiders, grasshoppers and all the creepy crawlies ever existed, or even when you see Jollibee because you hate mascots (your friends would laugh at this but… it’s not our little secret anymore) Because, Babe, I will not be able to do all these things now. The girl you left me with will…You’ll be okay, I know. You’ve always been the strongest of us. Make something of yourself, succeed. Don’t worry about me.. I will be okay.. I even started to talk to someone. He was great, and he could make me laugh, and the best part of it all was that he didn’t have your smile or eyes. But you know what? He couldn’t replace the memories you already gave me.

Because you will always be my TOTGA.

He respects that in anyway and among all the people I have ever talked to, he’s the only one who understands me… maybe because we were both a product of failed relationships from the past. Funny, right? But if the universe permits and in His right time, I’d be willing to try again.

But next time, it will be someone who’s worth all the risks because I’ve already seen it so many times and I don’t want the ghosts to say, “she did it all over again”.

I hate having to finally say this but.. good bye. 

Thank you for 7 years full of meaningful memories.

I’m done holding on.